| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote | | Age | A man is as old as the woman he feels.
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| Aging | There are parts of my body I haven't used in years.
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| Alimony | Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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| America | In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
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| Appearances | She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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| Beauty | She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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| Books | From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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| Braininess | I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
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| Brides | Hollywood brides keep the boquets and throw awaay the grooms.
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| Children | I married your mother because I wanted children. You can imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
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| Comprehension | A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
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| Death | Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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| Doctors | I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
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| Dogs | Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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| Evening | I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
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| Failure | No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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| Happiness | It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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| Honor | We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
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| Horse | Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
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| Humor | I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.
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| Hunting | One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.
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| Husbands | The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
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| Idiocy | He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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| Insults | I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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| Kids | Groucho: "It says here that you and your wife have eleven children. Why so many?"
Contestant: "Well, we just love kids."
Groucho: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth sometimes."
- (to a contestant on his quiz show) | |
| Marriage | I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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| Membership | I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
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| Military | Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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| Military | Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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| Misc. | Go, and never darken my towels again.
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| Necking | Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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| Old age | When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
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| One-upmanship | Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
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| Parents | My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
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| Politics | Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
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| Principles | Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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| Self-deprecation | When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
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| Television | I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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| Theatre | I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions -- the curtain was up.
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| Truth | Truth goes out the door when rumor comes innuendo.
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| Women | Women should be obscene and not heard.
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| Women | Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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